Transban

Oh you fucking son of a bitch. Did you really have to go and do this, Trump? I did not want to write about you after spending yesterday writing three posts about you that came out in staggered dates, you know.

 Did you really have to go and ban transgendered people from your army? I mean for what? You wanted to have more dicks in your military? Both literal and figurative? Seriously? Are you that concerned about your dick size?

I don't get it. No, really. I don't. A lot of these people have served the country for years and now you're kicking them out without a pension or warning. And after all of that bullshit talk about being an ally of the LGBT community too.

Okay, fine. It's not like you're a man of your word. You default on loans, break promises, reverse stances like you're in a fighting game. All for what? More dicks and more support from your conservative base.

Go suck a dick since that's what you want. Putin is waving his hand over there.

Men denied sex counts as spousal abuse?

Fuck you, Che Mohamad Zulkifly Jusoh, for saying something as profoundly stupid as that. Because nagging wives who deny their husband the right to marry a second wife does not count as spousal abuse in any way.

Psychological abuse constitute things like belittling and demeaning a person, forcing them to believe that they are unable to do anything and forcing them to depend on you alone. Telling someone to stick their dick in their pants instead of another woman is not spousal abuse.

There are better ways to point out that men are also victims of spousal abuse but saying things like this just makes me think that you are sore because you have to masturbate everyday instead of using your wife as a masturbatory tool.

Is Breitbart turning on Trump?

There's a bit of a hullabaloo about this so I decided to track down the Breitbart article about this. And thus, I was forced to read a Breitbart article and I braced myself for the worst.

Yup, it doesn't look like they've turned on Trump at all. At least, not yet based on my reading of the article. It does feel like a warning though. A warning that his base are paying attention to the fact that he is not keeping any of his promises so far and that they do not mind turning on him if he fires Sessions.

Of course, the commentators on the site are still sticking with Trump but it is somewhat nice to know that Breitbart is paying attention to what Trump is doing and are willing to call him out on it. Emphasis on the word 'somewhat'.

Greenland

Well, well. Looks like the snow in Greenland is melting and of course, Trump has nothing to say about that shit. It's not like he cares since he'll be dead by the time the effects of climate change hits the world after all.

But scientists have said that there is no turning back in three years! Isn't that something that's within the possible realms of his lifespan? To which I answer, look at the fat fucker and tell me if it's not unreasonable for him to have a heart attack in the next few years from the shit that he eats and the stress that he's suffering from being POTUS.

Not like any of this matters to him anyways. I mean, he doesn't care about anything or anyone who's outside of his monkey sphere hence his open acts of corruption and nepotism.

Trump is a great athlete?

Look Anthony Scarammuci, you've got a lot of shit of your nose from sticking it up Trump's ass. I get that you are trying to suck Trump's dick in order to get under his good graces but take a look at Trump. He's a fat fucker who believes that exercising kills you. He is not in any way a physical person at all. His dick doesn't get enough exercise because fucking is a physical activity.

At least if you want to make him look good, make sure that your bluff is believable. Yours is one of the biggest bullshit I've heard so far and we have Donald Trump as President of America. That guy lies through his ass on a daily basis.

Pardon me

Of course Trump has the power to pardon anyone. He's the 'president' and has the power to do that. Everyone agrees about that. The correct question in this matter should be 'Is Donald Trump stupid enough to pardon his son and son-in-law while they are being questioned by the FBI on the Russian collusion case?'

The correct answer is: 'Are you fucking kidding me? Of course the fucking idiot will do it in order to protect his kin. This man, who likes to wear gold, sit on gold and gets gold showered on him, act in a subtle manner? The dude is so loud that the very concept of Obvious has to tell him to tone it down a notch.'

But surely that would make him look suspicious in the eye of the public, says the oblivious bystander who thinks that his supporters would back down from supporting him after this blatant display of corruption even though he has committed acts of perversion, corruption and racism for his entire life publicly and without being punished for it.

So yeah. Trump will most likely pardon Don Jr and Kushner if it ever comes down to that and his supporters will not give a fuck because they think he is doing it for the right reasons. Fuck me, this is stupid as all fuck.

Justin Bieber

So...China banned Justin Bieber from performing there as he visited the Yasukuni shrine, which is dedicated to Japanese war dead including convicted Japanese war criminals.

You can see my conflict here. On the one hand, China banned another thing which is both silly and frivolous and at the same time, I can understand the issue behind honoring war criminals. On the other hand, it's Justin Bieber and banning that douche is never a bad thing.

Damn...this is a dream come true. China does something almost silly and frivolous and it's at Justin Bieber's expense. Sometimes, the stars do align and Cthulhu grants us a little bit of favor just by existing.

TV Ratings

So when Sean Spicer quit his job, Trump went out and praised his great television ratings and I am now going what the fuck are you talking about, you dipshit?

Dude, why the fuck are you talking about television ratings when it comes to your spokesman? The reason why he's got great ratings is because you do so many stupid things that people have to tune in and listen to what he has to say because he's the official voice of the White House.

In short, your idiocy is the reason why he has great ratings and frankly, if a spokesperson has great ratings, then you are doing something wrong that forces him to explain every single thing you do in real life and online.

Dipshit.

Trump meets with Putin

Oh the exceedingly boring scandal. I'm actually of the mind at this point that there might be something bad going on but it's a very minor issue and Trump is doing this because he is willfully ignoring his advisors on not meeting with Putin in private.

Remember, Trump is the guy who constantly tweets that his travel ban is a ban, which is therefore against American constitution despite his people insisting that it is not a ban. Why did he do it? To show that he's in charge of course. He has to be the alpha dog at all times.

So, the most likely scenario here is that Trump wants to show that there is nothing going on between himself and Putin and in his mind, the best way to do this is to have a secret meeting with Putin behind closed doors.

What? No one said it was a smart plan and that Trump has ever shown a single iota of intelligence in his entire life.

On the subject of banning

So there's this newfangled song called Despacito (One, I'm way past the age where modern pop music is made for me. Two, it's Justin fucking Bieber. The fuck am I going to listen to him for?) and people want to ban it over here.

It's not going to work, let me tell you that right now. You blokes tried to ban Daredevil over here way a long time ago and it just made sure that film pirates got a bigger profit (oh yeah. Those were days when film pirates ruled the streets. Ain't no fancy streaming services in those days). You tried to ban porn on the internet over here and we still have porn stats from Pornhub. Meaning you failed at banning people from accessing pornsites. Miserably.

Hell, you're just making things worse by saying that it's a sexy sex song. Because nothing spices people's tastes when you say that the song that they are humming is a innuendo-laced song. They're just going to download that song, stick it into their phones and listen it from there.

And besides, it's not like Asians don't sing innuendo-laced songs despite you saying that eastern values need to be protected. Here's one.

China bans Winnie the Pooh

Let me have a moment to laugh here at how stupid this is. But then again, this is China, the country that banned time travel so it's not so surprising really.

So, Chinese censors have decided to ban Winnie the Pooh because Chinese netizens have been using the bear's image to represent Xi Jinping online whenever he does something like shake hands with Shinzo Abe (seriously, what is with that guy and handshakes? It's like no one can shake hands with him properly) or when he was pictured walking with Obama.

Apparently, they feel that the whole deal is very demeaning to Xi as it depicts him as endearing, quirky and cute instead of stern, business-like, perfect and above the population. Really? You want to be viewed as God so therefore you ban Winnie the Pooh?

Actually, given how China reacts to everything, this makes perfect sense. Carry on, pretending to be God, Xi. Let me know what happens when the inevitable fall takes place as what happens to people who try to be God.

Killing criminals, not people

See, that's the problem with you, Duterte. You're way fucking better at compartmentalizing than I am. You dehumanized criminals, saying that they are not people. That's why it's so easy for you to run a bloody killing spree.

So guess what, Duterte. You're the actual Hitler of the 21st century, you fucking piece of shit. Oh yeah, I said. Duterte is fucking Hitler and next, you're going to be running a fucking concentration camp, you piece of shit.

Wanna carry a sword in public? Go to America

So...America. I know you like to prove that you have a huge dick, what with your President's desire to increase the number of nukes that you have and your weird desire to protect your right to own a gun.

But allowing edged weapons to carried in public like it's nobody's business? (I might be exaggerating on this but fuck it) What's the fucking point?

Sure, you might be able to protect yourself from an asshole who's trying to rob you with a knife. But you're America! You can buy guns in America without a background check! How the fuck would that make things safer for people? What is the logic behind the decision?

Doctor Who?

So when the hell I am writing about a series that I've never seen before and will never watch because it never interested me in the first place?

Well, because this is going to be the Ghostbusters remake all over again. Look, from an outsider's POV, this thing was inevitable. One day, the good Doctor is going to emerge as a woman because that's pretty much the premise for the Doctor's regeneration. It allows the writer to change his personality and it allows the studio an easy method to recast the character when there is a need to.

If you don't like it, shut up and skip the series until the next one comes around. It's just a fucking TV series. If you think that the series is ruined forever, shut up and stop watching the series. I've been doing that since Final Fantasy XIII-2 and I've been trying out other shit that's way better than Final Fantasy which I've never tried before.

Stop bitching about it. Either give it a chance or just stop following the series. It's been good for you before this and you can wallow in the past if you don't like the new change.

Still not going to watch that show though.

Never in 20 years

You know, about twenty years ago, we were making jokes about Anwar being sent to prison by Mahathir and his supporters creating trouble for supporting a clearly corrupt man (regardless of what he is now, he was still a BN politician in the 90's. He did a lot of shit back in the day and we all knew it too).

So of course, since we couldn't live in a more shameless time, where presidents can make rape jokes and tell us that we cannot trust our own eyes and ears, we have Mahathir and Anwar joining forces like some sort of aged and decrepit super robot to fight the evil monster that is BN.

And yes, I am aware that El Dora Five exists and that shit is fucking awesome.

Public caning

What's the point really? My main issue is not punishment itself but the government behind it. This is being done by PAS in Kelantan and PAS is both ridiculously conservative and religious in its matter and I do not like it at all.

What's the point of amputation for theft? You're not going to prevent people from stealing because you haven't solved the root issue which is poverty (in general. I don't know every reason for theft but I'm going to assume that the main reason why people do it is because they don't have anything to eat). Fix the poverty issue first and you can slowly get rid of theft.

What's the point of stoning to death? You're not going to stop people from fucking each other, you know. Instead, help people to communicate better and educate them about marriage better. There's a lot of reasons why people have affairs and I also cannot claim to know any of this because I will never get married.

The bottomline is that I do not like the idea of religion taking on the role of governance. That's not what religion is supposed to do. Religion is suppose to provide you with a guideline on how to live a moral life, one that pleases God. Some people need it, some people don't. You don't have that right to make people follow that road.

Which brings me to the most important thing about religion: it is a choice you personally make. Forcing people, even your own adherents to obey its strictures by creating a court of law is the worst way to get people to follow your religion.

Oh and fuck you PAS for saying something as stupid as only Muslims are affected by this law. That's the whole point of the issue: people actually care that Muslims are the ones who are affected by this law because the law is cruel and pointless.

Kardashian vs Chyna

Fuck this shit. I can't believe that I'm going to write about this petty case but you know what? I am. Why? Because it's revenge porn and it's wrong, goddamnit.

Look, if it was just them having a spat, no one's going to care. It's Rob Kardashian, for fuck's sake. But the slimy son of a bitch decides to go and posts nude pics of his ex online during a spat and fuck it. That is a line that should not be crossed.

Fuck people who say things like she should not have allowed him to take her nude pics. Fuck people who say she should have seen things like this coming. Fuck all of those people who try to take his side.

There is absolutely no reason for him to try and bring this shit into their petty little argument and he has escalated it to a level that should not have been entered in the first place. Why is it that when men are losing the fight that they have to bring in nude pics of women to try and shame them? Really? Are you that desperate to get the upper hand that you have to resort to such underhanded tactics?

Fuck this shit. I really didn't want to give a shit about this story at all but this shit is just too fucked up for me not to care about.

Anti-vaxxers are morons

With the outbreak of measles happening in (of all places) America and Europe, you'd think that people will actually go and take some effort to get properly vaccinated in order to avoid the very real threat of being infected with measles.

Some people might complain that 1) vaccines are linked to autism, 2) parents should not be forced to have their children be vaccinated and 3) it only harms those who are not vaccinated. To which I say bullshit and argue thusly.

One, are you sure you are not mistaking causation and correlation? There is no proof to say that autism is linked to vaccination at all. Move on from that argument.

Two, yes. Yes we can. It's mandatory in some countries to be vaccinated and no one is complaining about it especially when it gets rid of harmful diseases like polio, smallpox and even measles back in the day when everyone was getting the damn vaccines.

Three, fuck you. Other children who have not been vaccinated and anyone with a compromised immune system are also at risk. This includes, the eldery and people with certain immune system deficiencies.

So suck it and take your vaccine shots.

Now this blows

Apparently because people have been having unprotected oral sex, they have now created a super gonorrhea that is extremely resistant to antibiotics. I guess we really have to go down and really suck it up so that we don't have a problem later on.

Swallow your pride, people who have sex and make sure to always use protection. Otherwise, this will end in a virus that will rob us of a good time and we will have to resort to handing out condoms of all sorts just to make sure that we don't have gonorrhea.

Gay ladies, that includes you too. Don't listen to some BS about women not needing protection. There are dental dams to protect yourself from this issue. You can't just make a fist and punch your way out of this situation. You have to thrust through and make sure that you can penetrate the problem before it gets worse.

Otherwise, it's really going to suck for us all in the future.

PS Kill me now. I can't think of anymore puns to use in this shitty post.

Net Neutrality again

So yeah. Back on the topic at hand for Net Neutrality because Super Villain of the Year Ajit Pai is constantly trying to destroy it for his masters, Verizon and Comcast. Why am I interested in this despite not being red, white and blue?

Mostly because the shit that I enjoy on the Internet comes from the red, white and blue and if Ajit Pai gets his way, all of those things will be gone. The creativity, the thoughts and all the joy because he wants to give his masters the money that he thinks they deserve.

So fuck Verizon and Comcast and all of those ISPs who want to throttle people and companies based on how much they bribe them. This is the internet. It's a worldwide commodity and we will fight to our very last breath to stop you assholes from making it a worse place.

Alternate Chinese Medication

Well finally there's some sensible people who are advocating alternate means to Chinese medicine instead of killing endangered wildlife. I've got two suggestions that I like to make and they deal mostly with the more controversial ones that they use for ED.

One, replace rhino horns with human nails and hair. Since they are all made from keratin and do nothing for you whatsoever, this fantastic placebo can be called All Human Horniness and can be harvested without killing people at all. Granted, it's probably gross to be eating someone's grimy nails and hair but you're a desperate man who wants to fuck. It's not going to kill you at all. Just make you puke your guts out.

Two, replace tiger penis with duck penis. What? Have you seen a duck's penis? 8 to 9 inches depending on the species and individual and ducks have an insane sexual appetite. It's comparatively bigger than a tiger's penis and best of all, we have already have duck farms just for harvesting their liver in France. If we're going to make them suffer for foie gras, then we can humiliate them by cutting off their dicks after they die.

On second thought, just go and visit a doctor like everyone else for your dick problems.

Leaders and holidays

So there was this little article and it kinda made me roll my eyes a little. Not because of its content mind you but because it's one of those things that people already know and it's sad that we have to keep repeating it.

Of course you can take a break. No one has ever complained about that. You want to take a break, go ahead. Just pay for it with your own dime. Why do you think people are hounding assholes like Najib and Trump for? The latter is absolutely disgraceful with how shamelessly often he takes his golf trips and how much taxpayer money he spends on each trip.

Thus that's why people keep tabs on how often leaders go on a trip and what they do during that trip. Eyebrows will be raised when they see how opulent these things are and they wonder why should they pay taxes if that's what leaders are using the money for.

Because if there is anything that we want to see our money being used for, it's to fund the vacation of rich, fat slobs who can afford those holidays on their own without blinking an eye.

American Declaration of Independence

So yeah. By now, you may or may not have heard about how the NPR tweeted 113 tweets about the Declaration of Independence on July 4th and how a lot of people reacted badly by calling it by calling it liberal propaganda.

I'd laugh at it but I'm also keenly aware that I don't know if my own country has something similar and I might jump to the same conclusion. Thank god I don't have one of them newfangled social media thingamabob and decided to keep myself in a huge unsociable wall. (I refuse to use the word anti-social because I do not think that word means what you think it means. For the sidenote, booyah).

On the other hand, I can laugh about the fact that people immediately deleted their twitter accounts after being told that they just called their Declaration of Independence liberal propaganda and/or spam like a bunch of cowards who cannot take being made fun of because they don't know their history.

Guess what, it's okay to be ignorant. We all started off as idiots and making dumb mistakes is how we learn. As one Tweeter puts it, "if read to the average American, would they know that you were reading the DOI? I do now."

See, Betsy DeVos? Education of all kinds is good for the American public. Now if only we can get Trump to crack a proper book instead of those children books that he likes to read...

Muslim-only ID?

Really? I mean sure, it's in the Philippines where they are fighting against ISIL. So they want to find an easy way to identify their enemy without rounding people up and putting them into camps like America did in WWII to their Japanese citizens.

Compared to that, that is downright saintly. But then again, this is the home of Duterte, eater of human livers. You can be sure that he will find a way to use it against people somehow in order to satisfy his bloodlust and cannibalism fetish.

Of course, that's not even talking about the blatant discrimination inherent in that move. But it sucks to be at war and I recognize that it is a hard decision to make. But here's the thing: choosing the easy way is only going to make things worse in the future: you will breed resentment and recreate this civil war before you realize why it's happening.

So please. Don't take the easy route of this mess, Philippines. Take the time and recognize why ISIL managed to convince your people into doing this and while I'm at it, fuck those Indons and Malaysians who decided to join the fight as well. Do you guys have nothing better to do than try to get involved in this matter?

PS Just as a fuck you to Rodrigo Duterte. Fuck you again you son of a bitch. Worrying about civilian casualties is what elevates you above the ranks of people like ISIL. Indiscriminate killings will only make matters worse. You're supposed to be better than your enemy in order to win people over, not confirm their worse fears. But that's what you get for being a bloodthirsty asshole. You don't care and you should rot in hell now.

Happy Nana Day!

No, it's not her birthday since that's already half a year past. It's just Nana day and I wanted to do something other than write angry shit about politicians and scumbags in the world.

So have a happy Nana day and know that sometimes, there's always something good in your life and for me, one of those things is listening to Nana croon her tunes.

Damn...

It's like tossing fuel on the fire that is my ever-eternal mockery of shit-heads like this. Jho Low has apparently tried to buy an entire bank in Barbados so that he can illegally hide his money.

That is so gloriously evil that I can scarcely believe it when I first read about it. I mean, seriously? You have obtained some money illegally and you decide to buy a bank in order to stash it away. That's so...super-villain level of evil.

So now I've got two people in my running list for super villains of the year now and this will get better and better with each passing day. Ajiit Pai and Jho Low. Who's next on the super villains of 2017?

No, Trump is not on that list. Despite what he might think, he's only a puppet and puppets do not become super villains until they try to kill their puppeteers and use their bodies as the new puppets instead. Trump's hands are too tiny to hold a weapon and you know that fat ass cannot even afford to kick someone.

Huh...Trump is so fat, when he tried to kick a puppy, he couldn't move his leg.

Twenty years ago

Man, I remember this Jackie Chan movie where he argued with a China police character about who should keep a pile of stolen money. "Give it to Hong Kong," Jackie said. "In five years time, the money will go back to China."

It's a terrible joke then and it's a terrible joke now. Goddamnit, I'm getting old (and I'm enjoying making 'I'm getting old' jokes too. I really am getting old and that's more fun than most people will say otherwise).

Anyways, it's been twenty years since Hong Kong was returned to China and well...the ride hasn't been smooth. Things are getting rough between the two entities due to differing policies and history and let's face it, it's not going to get any better any time soon, what with China being so lazily heavy handed in its handling of Hong Kong.

My point of all this? I don't want to write about the Pendejo of the United States and I wanted to find something to poke at China for a bit because fuck China as well. It's good to diversify my mocking even if I can't find something to really write about.

Child slavery in Mars? Bullshit

Now this is something that is a lot more interesting to talk about than Trump. Apparently, NASA was forced to say that it is not running a child slavery ring to create a colonization effort in Mars and I'm face-palming from that statement.

Why would anyone believe that bullshit? Is it because Alex Jones said so? The guy is a fraud and a conspiracy theorist and anyone who goes about claiming that children did not die during the Sandy Hook shooting is a fucking asshole who deserves perforation of any kind. That includes the people who believe his story by the way.

There is no evidence to suggest this (translation, it is not real) and I will laugh at anyone who tries to point out any evidence that indicate otherwise because we are still years away from having a situation where we can reliably send people to Mars.

So fuck Alex Jones and I hope that he never gets to see your children ever again for the rest of your life.

Is it shocking anymore?

Look, I can't even say that I'm surprised any more when I read that Trump used Twitter to attack Mika Brzezinski. That's so Trump, going after people by criticizing their looks and intelligence.

It's boring. I cannot be outraged by it. Trump has become pathetically predictable. He doesn't like someone so he will put up a crude remark on Twitter. He's always been doing that but now he's the President and he's still doing it.

I really want to say, grow up Trump but then I realize that he can't because he's 71 so the best thing I can say is, go to a retirement home Trump. You'll meet a lot of people like you there and better still, you won't be embarrassing yourself because there'll be a lot of people like you there and you can be entertained there.

Because it's not entertaining to me anymore. It's really just sad and pathetic that you spend all this time and effort criticizing people like this. The most powerful man in the world, driven to making insults on Twitter. How sad can this person be?

Hitting on Vatican priests

Because I'm bored of making fun of America. Let's make fun of Australia instead. To be more precise, let's make fun of the Vatican's treasurer, Cardinal George Pell who has been charged with multiple sex offenses in Australia.

I mean, yeah sure. It's the age-old Catholic priests sexually harassing little boys, up to the point of driving some of them to suicide. But what I'd like to focus on is the Cardinal's age. Specifically, he's born in 1941 and I know someone who keeps telling me that the people from that generation are spotless and have done nothing wrong to the world in general.

So...there's this guy, who when he heard about priests under him doing inappropriate things to little boys, does nothing about it. To quote him, “In those days, if a priest denied such activity, I was very strongly inclined to accept the denial... At that stage, the instinct was more to protect the institution, the community of the church, from shame.”

So, still want to believe that generation is pure and better than everyone before or after it. Fuck you because I know you're going to find a way to twist out of that situation. People are just as horrible, no matter when they are from and nothing is going to change that.