Praising Trump

Somebody noticed that Trump was watching television and was in a good mood. They asked him what was good and Trump replied, "Look! The media is praising me! I'm doing a good job!"

Somebody responded by petting his head and saying, "Yes, you are. You are a good boy! Did you remember to flush the toilet after using it?"

"Er..."

"Bad boy! Go flush the toilet now!"

"I'm tweeting about this! This is sad!"

Golfing

Somebody was playing golf at Mar-A-Lago when he saw Trump playing golf as well. This is weird to Somebody, since they were playing in the middle of the night on a Wednesday.

Curious, Somebody approached and asked Trump why he was playing at this time while surrounded by Secret Service agents who were still in their pajamas.

"Because the press is getting on my nerves. Sure, I'm spending a million dollars every time I take a trip to my Winter White House and I've already played golf more often than Obama has in his entire presidency but can't a man play golf in peace?"

Somebody asked if that justifies playing golf at night and Trump nodded his head. "Yup. Not to mention I can just tick myself as having hole in ones whenever I want to. Maybe an eagle once in a while to make me feel human."

Paid Liberal Activist

Somebody has mentioned that they ran into Trump the other day as he was preparing to make a phone call. Of course, he simply ignored Somebody's presence and made the call anyways; who do you think he is? He's the goddamn President.

"Hello? I want to pay you to make a paid protest against my Republicans," he announced loudly.

A moment later, it appeared that Trump had turned on the speaker phone and did not realize when the person on the other side said, "I was already going to protest you for your terrible policies that show no regard for human rights and line the pockets of your family and friends."

"Oh? So that's how it's going to be? Fine. How's a million dollars?" Trump says and the protester hung up on him.

"Good. Now we can sue that protester when they protest against us next time. We have proof!" he shouted triumphantly.

Disclaimer again

Once again, another reminder that everything in here is not true. Better to be safe than sorry when it comes to writing stuff like this. People have a very weird tendency to take everything on the Internet at face value for some weird reason.

One possible reason (my theory at least) is that people seem to trust the written word a little more than the spoken word. It could date to the days when newspapers are the trusted source of information and somehow, because you have to read things on the net, this type of stuff gets a little more trust.

Of course, this is just my bullshit theory. Feel free to ignore it and just come up with your own theory, oh non-existent reader of this shitty site.

Trump meets Putin

Somebody mentioned that Trump went to meet with Putin for a secret diplomatic meeting to improve relations between Russia and the Trump corporation.

Trump was at the Kremlin at 1 in the afternoon, looking rather pleased at himself. Fifteen minutes passed by and Trump was still waiting with a smile.

By the thirtieth minute, Trump was starting to look impatient and once it was two in the afternoon, the current leader of America looked like he was going to cry.

It was only at this time that Putin finally arrived and Trump dried his tears as the Russian leader invited him to talk about how he was going to make Trump his lapdog which Trump was happy to do.

Target's Bomb Plot and Trump

Somebody asked Trump about the plot to bomb Target that took place recently. Thankfully, no one was hurt in that incident as the man was arrested before he can get his plot underway.

"This is why I wanted to ban the Muslims from entering America! Stupid judges from stopping my ban! Stupid judges for not making an easy D! Sad!" Trump yelled for a while.

Somebody let Trump rant for a while before they reminded Trump that the man behind the plot is a white man from Florida.

Trump was silent for a moment before saying, "No comment," and left the area immediately.

Trump receives an award from Sweden

People from Sweden has given Trump an award after he has bravely spoken up on behalf of people who had no idea that terrorist incidents had taken place on Friday.

"It's unbelievable," said an unidentified Swedish man. "There I was, out in town enjoying a peaceful night on Friday when Trump said that we had horrible things that happened. I could not believe my eyes as I drove around and saw the beautiful homes left untouched by the ravages of incidents that did not happen."

For his gallant courage against the truth as known by normal people, the Swedes have awarded Trump the following title: skrämmande rasistisk bedragare med avföring för hjärnor or as translated by Google: frightening racist scammer with stools for brains.

Mushroom shenanigans

After returning from Florida, Somebody has mentioned that Trump was later seen talking with an Italian man with a bushy mustache and wearing a red shirt and blue overalls. "Give me some of the usual," Trump told the Italian man.

"You got it," the second man said and handed Trump a red and white mushroom. Together, the two of them ingested the mushroom and they were later found to be relaxing on the ground and talking about Sweden.

It took Somebody hours to de-tox Trump and even now, they are not sure if Trump is still clean since he is occasionally found ingesting the mushroom and claiming that he has grown bigger than everyone in the room.

New Trump Campaign!

After basking in the glow of the people's cheer, Trump has confided to Somebody that he is going to be starting his 2020 re-election campaign right now.

"But haven't the elections just ended?" Somebody asked. "Aren't you supposed to be doing your job as POTUS?"

"I am doing my job," Trump argued. "The people have to see me talk shit about other people and praise me for doing a good job. That's what makes them feel good about themselves and how I can validate my own achievements."

"So...you're just going to campaign and get other people to do your work for you?" Somebody asked.

"Yeah sure. Delegation is very important for a businessman after all. That's why Bannon is making all of my plans for me," Trump says.

"Don't worry about it. Bannon promised that everything he plans will be something that I like," he said to Somebody in a reassuring tone.

Another disclaimer

Yeah, I know. No one is going to read this blog or this shit even. But in the event that someone does and reads the entire thing, I'm going to say this every once in a while so that this is clear to people.

Every story written will be false. This is just here for mockery purposes (because if there's ever an orange person who deserves to be mocked, even if it's from the deepest, darkest shadows of the legal internet where no one can see), it's Donald Trump.

And back to the regularly scheduled bovine waste

In a recent conversation with Somebody, there was talk about Trump's desire to have people from China to register their Facebook and Twitter accounts when they arrive in the US of A.

"But isn't Facebook and Twitter banned in China?" Somebody asks and Trump stared at them for a long time.

"You mean there are people who don't read my Tweets?" he asked and Somebody nodded.

This was followed by a long string of expletives and an expressed desire to wage war on China. "Sad!" he shouted out loud at the end of his actual rant and rave.

Mainstream Media Accountability Survey

So apparently, there's this little survey that the GOP set up on the internet about Mainstream media and goddamn, that is one of the most hilarious surveys ever created. So, just to break the tone of this blog, I urge the non-existent who reads this poll, do yourself a favor and have a read at the questions.

Please note however that at the end of the survey, Donald Trump immediately starts asking for donations, with a minimum of $1 dollar. Don't believe me? Take a look at the pic below.

You know, it's kinda sad that this doesn't even surprise me at all. I'm laughing about it but I'm not surprised in the slightest. Because even when he says he's trying to do you a favor, Trump is still asking you to pay him money for the favor that he is doing for you.

Trump on his relationship with Putin

Somebody just told me about a talk he had with Trump regarding his relationship with Putin and how the two of them are in bed with each other, figuratively speaking.

"Not true. Not true at all. That is all fake news," Trump said vehemently as he sat up on his bed. "Isn't that right, Vladimir?"

"Yes, that is not true at all," Vladimir said as he sat up on the bed as well, cozying next to Trump. Then he turned to Trump and said, "Now work that thing with your hands. It's so good especially since with your hands, it takes twice as long to get to the fun part."

"Alright, Vladimir," Trump said with a pout before getting down to business.

To Nobody who is reading this,

Did you know that Somebody exists? Oh yes, it's true, it's true. You see, Somebody told me that he just got out of bed with Trump and told us that the man has just performed surgery on his penis and replaced it with a duck's penis.

When Somebody asked Trump why he replaced his penis with a duck penis, the latter said, "Did you know that duck penises can go up to fifteen inches? I need to have one of those and I also plated it in gold because I have to have a golden dick."

Later Somebody was given a live demonstration of the 15 inch penis at work: Trump pulled down his pants and touched his penis, only to immediately ejaculate. "Er...it's not supposed to be like that," he said and we waited but Somebody got tired and left while Trump was still trying to get back up.

Trump's power over the weather

As it turns out, Trump is right when he said that he could ask God to make it stop raining. He was out walking the other day when it started to shower on him. He looked up to the sky and said, "Dear God, could you please make it not rain like this?"

And lo, did God answer him, "You're right. I'll have gold shower down on you instead? Is that much better?"

"Sure. I'd like to have gold shower down on me," Trump said and the rain turned into a golden shower, which made Trump very happy because it was gold.

John Miller

There is proof that John Miller exists. I've met and spoke with people who actually met him. Met him. Very nice guy. Very nice guy that John Miller.

It's just that it was his last day working for Trump that one day and after that, the guy had sign a non-disclosure agreement to not talk for the rest of his life and to get plastic surgery so that no one can recognize him when he moves to Somewhereovertherainbow, Kansas from New York.

But then I met with someone who told me that they met John Miller and they said that he was a real guy and a really nice guy too. Very nice guy. Very nice guy that John Miller. It's just too bad that he can't come out into the public any more because of that whole NDA business.

But it's true. He really exists. Just ask Breitbart. I'm sure they have something in their archives that says that he exists. If not, then Breitbart, you guys are really lazy aren't you? Not to be able to find out what I can find out. Why aren't you doing any work at all?

Man...you'd think you can get reasonable and respectable work from Breitbart these days...

Disclaimer part II

To the non-existent person who for some unholy reason happens to actually read this,

Nearly everything on this site will be made up. There will be no research done, no evidence provided. Everything that I write in here will be pulled out of my ass.

Now some non-existent person out there who for some unholy reason stumbled upon this site might be saying, "But isn't this all lies?" And my answer to that person is, "Don't be so overly dramatic. You're saying it's lies, I'm saying it's alternative facts."

So, just to repeat. Nearly everything that I'm putting up on this site will be a lie. Blatant lies. complete falsehoods, utter bullshit. You know, alternative facts. Who knows? Even this post that I'm putting up here might just be a bloody lie as well. I could be lying about lying to you. I could even be lying about lying about lying to you.

In other words, take everything in here with a pinch of salt and toss it into the eyes of the person standing behind you because screw them for standing right behind you while I just work on all this for as long as I feel like it.

Besides, it's not like as though Trump is going to read any of this shit. We all know that he can only read things if they're a single page long, written in bullet-points (maximum of nine points) and with lots of graphics and maps (he likes maps a lot).

You know...like one of these things.

Happy Belated Chinese Year

As we all know know, Donald Trump is born on the Year of the Rooster. That's why we have a cock as one of the leaders of the free world.

Disclaimer before I start this

Look, let's face it. Not very people like that guy. He's untrustworthy, slimy, snake-faced, weaselly, rat-faced, an orange stain on the face of humanity, more of a stultus than we actually realize, spews lies like he's exhaling on a smoggy day, offensive, disgusting, despicable, dastardly. devilish and I can't believe that no one has actually called him the Anti-Christ yet. I mean...isn't it like supposed to be the norm that when a new President gets elected, people on the Internet start denouncing them as the Anti-Christ or is the Devil too embarrassed to be associated with him?

Now to be fair to that previous statement, I don't go around googling 'Is so and so the Anti-Christ?'  It's pointless because apparently the Devil spreads his seed much throughout the centuries that just about anyone can be called an Anti-Christ rendering the phrase worthless.

Anyways, my whole idea of doing this is just to jump into the current trend of making fun of a man who deserves to be mocked for making up stories just to get attention and is now making me pay attention to me because of how he is doing his job in such an incompetent manner. The irony of my previous statement is kicking me between my legs right now.

But it does feel good, I have to admit. I thought of my next post last week, snickered about it on my own (SAD!) and decided to set up this thing up a week later. I don't expect anyone to actually visit this, but just in case, this post is just here so that I can point out that I'm just making fun of a person who deserves to be made fun of because his inflated sense of self needs be adjusted. A world leader who peddles lies, bigotry and ignorance is such a fun person to poke with a needle, don't you agree?

So let's get this ball rolling shall we?