Internet privacy under Trump's reign

Somebody asked Donald Trump what exactly is he planning to do with the American public's browser history and he says, "Well, we're going to go through them to look for terrorist connections. If you're not guilty, then there should not be any trouble for you right?"

When asked about his internet privacy, Trump answered, "I'm not the American public. Why should I care about that?" Good point. Trump has never identified himself as a normal American person before. Why should he start now?

Then Somebody noticed that Trump was going through a preliminary list and asked about it. "Yeah. There's a lot of golden shower sites that I never knew existed. I think I need to take a look at them now," he said. 

Human Centipede

Somebody was walking around the White House when they saw something that looks like a scene out of a poorly made movie: Trump was walking around with a person but the person had his head shoved up Trump's asshole.

When Somebody asked Trump who that was, Trump replied, "Oh, that's Devin Nunes. Can't you recognize him?" Not at all, Somebody replied and asked Nunes what was it like being shoved up Trump's ass.

"Surprisingly roomy. Trump's ass is a lot looser than I'd thought it'd be," came the reply.

"I told you that Putin made it nice and loose for anyone else," Trump responded immediately. "Sometimes he uses his dick and sometimes he sticks his hand up my ass like I'm one of those puppets from a kid's show."

Why Trump likes the Military

Somebody asked Trump why he is trying to increase the US military budget when America spends more money on military than other countries in the world.

"That's because I really wished I joined the military when it was my time to serve," Trump replied. "If only the spurs in my foot prevent me from going out to serve my country during its time of need..."

Huh...a humanizing answer from Trump? Somebody then asked if Trump would go serve the military if he were given the chance to.

"What? Are you joking? There's no way I'm going to do that! Too many poor people around and I might even get injured or die in a ditch. Only black people and illegal immigrants die like that!" Trump said indignantly.

Trumpcare 2.0

Somebody noticed that Trump was busy at work in the Oval Office one day much to their surprise. Encouraged, they asked Trump what he was working on.

"My new healthcare plan. We're going to have everyone send me their pee so that we can analyze it and then we'll send them vitamins for them to take so that they can be healthier," he said proudly.

Somebody pointed out that this was extremely reminiscent to his failed Trump Network, which was a pyramid scheme that he ran in the late 2000's and early 2010's.

"It's not a pyramid scheme now and it's not a way for me to get the showers that I want," he said quickly and Somebody decided that it was just right to leave at that moment.

Trump and his new clothes

Somebody was walking around the White House when they saw a sight that made them understand why Melania chose to stay at Trump Tower: Donald Trump walking around naked.

When they pointed out to him about his nudity, he glared at them and said, "No I'm not. I've got my usual suit and tie on. What's wrong with you?"

Somebody asked if he has looked in the mirror lately and he nodded. "Yes I have. This is my new suit that I got from this wandering tailor. Only stupid people cannot see it and I guess that makes you stupid. Sad!" he proclaimed.

Trump and Nepotism

Somebody decided to check with Trump after the news broke out that his daughter was going to have an office in the White House. Surely he does understand how this would make him look to the people right? He does understand the meaning of the word nepotism right?

Trump looked at Somebody, puzzled by the question. "It's not nepotism," he insisted. "I just want her here so that I can grab her pussy before I fuck her."

That...is weirdly reassuring in some ways, admittedly.

Ivanka gets her own office in the White House

Somebody stopped by at the White House after hearing that Ivanka has gotten her own office there. Upon entering, they heard all sorts of strange noises and they asked what is going on.

"Haven't you heard? Ivanka got her own office here. Trump just could not stop visiting his daughter all the time. So now, he gets no work done, tweets too often about how hot his daughter is and can't get his hands off her," is the overwhelming response.

Trump shows off his nuke collection

Somebody went on a tour with Trump to a nuclear silo and they were shown the newest nuke that was being designed and built.

"I call this one Donald Trump Jr," the so-called President said and Somebody asked if he wanted to name the weapon after his own son.

"Huh? I'm naming it after my penis," he said in confusion. "That way, everyone knows that Donald is fucking them when I hit them with a nuke."

Trump and Kim: Love in the making

Somebody was walking around the White House when they heard a weird noise in the Oval office. Curious, they head to the room and peeped inside.

To their surprise, they found Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un inside, both of them disgustingly naked and caressing their shrivelled up penises in an awkward manner.

"Kim, you have to peg me," Trump said and Kim shook his head, pointing at his own asshole. Apparently he wanted to play catcher as well.

"But Putin is the one who pegs me. Damnit, I really need him here," Trump complained and the two of them fumbled around for a while before they came to a compromise.

Minutes later, a brown package was delivered and Somebody took a peek: a double-ended dildo. They watched as the two leaders went down on all fours and proceeded to use the dildo like two dogs.

Hehehe...another disclaimer

I just came up with this after writing that little piece about Trump vs Kim. The two of them are so similar that I just couldn't believe it but now my inner fudanshi has been excited by it.

I mean, think about it. Besides the similarities that I've pointed out, they are also two professional bullshitters, have an highly inflated opinion about themselves and have been supported by red leaders in their leadership.

Fuck it. The two of them should meet and just fuck each other silly. BTW, they're both ukes as far as I'm concerned.

Donald Trump vs Kim Jong Un

Step right up for the battle of the year in which an idiotic leader with bad hair and who inherited his fortune from his father takes on an idiotic leader with bad hair and who inherited his fortune from his father.

Who will win? Place your bets right now but as the cliche goes, we are all going to lose when they launch their nukes at each other in order to see who has the biggest dick. Hint: they both have micro-dicks. That's why they're doing their best to increase their nuclear arsenal.

Freud was right in this case.

Golfing again

Somebody asked Trump about his constant golfing trips and that he had already played more golf in eight weeks than Obama did in eight years.

"What? You expected me to do work?" Trump said while playing golf on the fifth hole. "I'm Donald J Trump. I never work."

Trump punishes North Korea

"Enough is enough!" Donald Trump roared to Somebody. "We need to do something about North Korea. They are being very bad! Terrible!"

"What do you propose?" Somebody asked and Donald actually seemed to think about it for a moment.

"I know," he said and made a phone call.

One week later, Donald Trump tweeted the following tweet:

Met with Kim Jong-Un. Told him he was a bad dude and spanked him. He said he was sorry and that it won't happen again. Spanked him again to make sure that his smooth ass was mine.

Trump makes new tax cut low

Somebody just head that Trump was going to make a new tax law and so they asked him about it.

"Well, I'm going to cut all taxes that the rich and super-rich are paying as well as eliminate the taxes large and multi-national corporation and increase the poor people's tax," he said proudly.

But poor people can't pay taxes. That's why rich people are taxed more, Somebody pointed out. If the rich aren't taxed, there is no way that the government can get money to do whatever projects that they want, like the wall that Trump is proposing.

"Well, firstly, fuck the poor. Who asked them not to be born rich like me? Secondly, we'll get the Mexicans to pay for all of our government projects. I'm sure they'll be happy to do that when I ask them."

Trump proceeded to call the President of Mexico, only to be hung up on whenever he said a word.

RIP Scott Pruit

Breaking news that is completely and utterly fake because this really is a fake news site unlike some of the other so-called 'fake news media' that Donald Jizzbag Trump thinks are fake news and I apologize to jizzbags for having to associate them with Trump. Nothing deserves to be associated with Trump.

Scott Pruitt just crushed under a snowbank while on his way to a climate change convention. The unfortunate man was recently on record saying that climate change does not exist because it's still snowing and that's proof that climate change does not exist according to him.

Sadly, he was caught in one of the worst blizzards ever recorded and he was found completely naked in his car, a common enough situation since victims of hypothermia are commonly know remove their clothes due to their brains being tricked thinking that it is not as cold as it seems.

It should be noted however that despite the cold, he is unusually smaller than most and he had a particularly bad case of blue bruises.

Now that he is dead, it is hopeful that someone who is much more intelligent and reasonable than he is be placed in charge of the EPA. Someone who is more willing to listen to science and able to ignore money coming from the oil industry. For example, not Scott Pruitt.

Another disclaimer

For a change of pace, I've decided to start making fun of other people in the so-called President Trump's office, if only because of what's going on recently and I just thought of a real sick story to write.

Seriously, these people deserve every bit of mockery and criticism thrown at them, if only because they are fools who are in charge of things that they do not know about.

Don't call it Trumpcare

Somebody asked Trump why he did not want the new American Health Care Act to be called Trumpcare? He has been putting his name on everything that is remotely related to him like the Trump Tower in Canada which he did not oversee at all.

"I don't it to be called Trumpcare because I don't care at all in the first place," the so-called President said.

That makes a lot of sense when you look at it that way.

Area 51

Somebody asked Trump about the existence of Area 51 and whether extra terrestrial life exists or not. Surely, given the fact that Trump has a mouth looser than the Whore of Babylon could not resist on divulging such a story.

"Of course Aliens exists. Infowars has always said that Area 51 exists and that the government is hiding its existence from us to keep the truth from us," Trump said confidently.

But...isn't he the government now, Somebody asked.

Trump shook his head and showed them a piece of paper with charts and lines on it. "Does this look like government work to you?" he asked.

Nope and that would explain a lot of things about the current American government, in fact.

Lying on a day's job

Somebody checked with Trump on his daily Twitter feed and statements and asked if he has ever fact-checked the things that he said. After all, surely one of the most powerful man in the world who has access to information that few humans has privy to would be able to check his facts properly right?

Trump gave Somebody a blank stare and asked, "What's fact-checking?" Yes...that about sums things up.

Catchphrases

Somebody noticed that Trump was preparing to fire people from their jobs and they asked if Trump was going to say his catchphrase.

"Make America Great again?" he asked and they shook their head, reminding him of the catchphrase he stole from Vince McMahon.

"What? I didn't steal it from him. I wrestled him and I won!" Trump spluttered.

"Maybe but you can't deny that McMahon says it better than you ever did."

Shifting blame

Somebody was playing a game of golf with Trump in the Mar-A-Lago when Trump hit a ball and sent it flying into a sand pit.

"Damn it!" the so-called President swore before refusing to mark the stroke on his score card.

"Trump, you're cheating," Somebody told him at which the so-called President flipped his middle finger at them.

"No! That stroke didn't count. They don't count unless I did something right and everyone else is wrong!"

Somebody shrugged and watched as Trump took fifteen strokes to escape the sandpit. Looks like the Trump is just as good at winning fairly as he is in his business deals.

Trump and climate change

Somebody asked Trump as to why he is so insistent that climate change is a Chinese scam and the so-called President said, "Because China stands to benefit the most from this scam. Doesn't it make sense to cripple us with these so-called environmental issues to make us economically weaker and make me earn less money?"

Somebody then pointed out things like the rise in ocean levels, the melting glaciers and the increased amount of CO2 in the atmosphere as proof of climate change and Trump laughed it off.

"I can't see those things so it's fake. It's all fake news," Trump asserted. Somebody then asked if these things were to continue, his children and his grandchildren were to suffer the consequences of his actions and policies.

"Fuck them," Trump replied. "If there are actions to these things, I'll be long gone by them and it'll be their problem, not mine. So fuck my kids and my grandkids. Especially Ivanka. I have to fuck her sooner or later. Rrrrr..."

Paranoia

Somebody noticed that Trump seemed to be a little twitchier than before and they asked him what is going on.

"Sssshhh..." he said to Somebody. "The Master Computer is watching us. There are sleeper agents everywhere."

The Master Computer? After some prodding, Trump said, "Yes. The Master Computer. Michael Flynn was an agent of the Master Computer and his job is to make me look like an idiot. Which I am not because I fired him."

Somebody pointed out that he said that he did not fire Flynn and Trump nodded. "Of course not. That's just to keep the Master Computer from finding out the truth. Now I'm going to expose the truth of the Master Computer and I can get back to sucking Putin's dick again without worry. His pee is simply divine."

Health care

Somebody asked Trump about his proposed changes for Obamacare, specifically the ones that concern the change in tax credit plans. "Aren't they going to benefit the wealthy 5% more than the rest of the people?" he asks.

"Hasn't the tax credits change benefited all Americans?" Trump asked, looking extremely confused and Somebody shook their head.

"That's weird. Let me look at the charts again," Trump said and looked at the chart again. "Nope. All Americans benefit," Trump declared.

Somebody looked at the chart and noticed something. "It says here that the only ones who are American are the super wealthy."

"That's right. The rest of the people here are illegal immigrants. Bad people."

Trumpcare

On a dark stormy night, Somebody saw that a table was lifted up into the sky and a lightning bolt struck the table, infusing something on it with life.

When Somebody entered, they saw that Trump was holding aloft a new bill. "Is that the bill that repeals and replaces Obamacare?" they asked.

"Nope! This is the bill that replaces all medical care in the world! Every medical care in the world will have to follow my standard because my standard is the best!"

"But you can only sign bills pertaining to the US of A. You are not some leader of the world," Somebody pointed out.

"Of course I'm the leader of the world. Everyone is calling me a world leader," Trump said, looking rather confused by the whole issue.

"Donald, world leader means you have the ability to influence things on an international basis, not make people around the world do what you say."

"Well, that's going to be my platform for 2020 then. Make Earth great again!" he declared loudly.

Further disclaimers

You know, when I started this, I knew that Trump was a childish idiot who could not control his emotions and work for a greater good. When someone like that is elected to be one of the leaders of the world, I feel that there is an important duty to constantly tear down such a person's self-imparted importance and point out that a leader's role is to guide and lead towards a better future.

Trump is nothing like that at all.

Of course, by this point, we already know this and he has probably unleashed another idiotic tweet by the time this is out so you know what? Screw that guy with an unholy passion. He deserves no mercy and all of the mockery that the world has to offer.

So if he ever reads this, not that I expect him to since he has proven himself to be illiterate in every possible way, Donald Trump, you are a fool and a disgrace to the color orange. From now on, the Netherlands will be embarrassed simply because your spray tan is the color of their football team.

Wire-tapping

"Trump, you can't honestly believe that Obama wire-tapped your office in Trump Towers. You have no evidence at all," Somebody pointed out to Trump as the so-called President raged about the incident.

"Why not? Breitbart said so! So did Wikileaks! Isn't that how everyone found out about my golden showers?" Trump shouted back.

Somebody just shook their head and left the so-called President to his Twitter feed.

More Sordid Russians

"Trump! Have you heard? Everyone is still talking about you being in bed with the Russians!" Somebody exclaimed as they burst into the Oval Office.

"What?" Trump yelled as he got out of bed, a white stain on his mouth before Putin pushed him down onto the bed again and got down to business once more.

Somebody left them alone to deal with their business.

Trump and Responsibility

Somebody asked Trump once about what he thinks about responsibility and the so-called President thought about it long and hard.

"I think responsibility is something that people take when they are at fault over something. Like how Obama should have owned up about being unAmerican and how those women should have owned up about wanting me to touch them."

"Responsibility falls on the shoulders of the military for not planning things out, not me for signing out and overseeing their operation. Responsibility belongs to the people who signed up for my franchise and never finished their work, not me because I'm too busy to make sure that the people who are using my name are going to give me money and I couldn't care less about them screwing over other people."

"Responsibility is that which other people take, not me. Why should I watch what I say and do? I take no responsibility over that. If I want to say something and people want to blame me for it, it's the media's fault for reporting what I say."

"So it's everyone's fault and not yours?" Somebody asked.

"Precisely."

Toilet bans

Somebody just reported to us that there is trouble amongst the women in the White House. Apparently, someone is going around, creeping into the women's bathroom and inspecting the women while they perform their business.

As it turns out, it is the carrot President, Donald Trump. When asked why he was doing this, he explained, "I own the White House. This gives me the authority that I deserve to perform routine inspection on the people who use my office in every way."

When asked why he has not been inspecting the men in a similar manner, Trump said, "Why would I want to grab a man's penis? It's the pussy that I grab."

Trump is worried about the leak in the White House

Somebody has reported that Donald Trump is worried about leaks in the White House. Of course, since this news is not exactly new, we asked Somebody to clarify what they meant.

A literal leak, they clarified. Apparently, there is a leak over Trump's head that drips onto his hairpiece and it causes him a lot of anguish to do his comb-over and spray tan all the time.

We looked at Somebody and proceeded to smack them in the head for bringing us this lame news.

Somebody simply snickered and said, "I'm working on my next big one already. It'll be the biggest leak that ever showered onto Donald and I know that he likes his gold very much."

Right.

Trump is not born in America!

This just in! Somebody was just joking around with Trump one day when they casually brought up the five year long birther campaign that Trump led against Obama.

"Oh. That's so that I can hide the fact that I'm not American," he said casually.

Somebody was quiet about this before asking if he was joking. To which Trump replied, "Are you shitting me? How can anyone this orange and with such small hands be from America. Shit I can't even read your weird human language. That's why I don't like teleprompters."

Americans! Demand to see Trump's birth certificate! He is obviously an alien planted by the Loraxx in order to make fun of us to the galactic community! Rise up and demand for Trump's birth certificate.

Deportation Scmeportation

Somebody has just announced that Trump will be sending his wife to Mexico under his new deportation law since she is considered an illegal immigrant.

When asked why he is doing that, Trump declared in a loud voice, "I am the Law! Law! So sad for Melania but she is an illegal immigrant and I must get rid of her. Now I can grab Ivanka all I want!"

Another disclaimer

How many of these am I going to be putting up? Well, there will always be an idiot out there who will think that this is true (see Donald Trump) and so I've decided to constantly put up reminders to people that everything on this blog is false.

Even if someone were to come in and take shite like this as gospel (see Donald Trump), this will only serve to point out the level of their reading skill and investigative skill, which is to say none at all (see Donald Trump).

So again, everything in here is false and just serves to mock Donald Trump, who frankly deserves to be mocked in every possible way for being an orange-skinned, blonde haired narcissist who loves the flavor of his dick so much, he forced it onto the entire world without getting our consent.

Trump bans all reporters

Somebody has reported that Trump's paranoia has grown to an immense level, taking on a rather confusing shape as he has decided to ban all media from talking to him.

"No more! America should know the truth!" Trump declares as he tweeted out the message. "Only I get to report what I say to the people!"

"On Twitter?" Somebody asked and Trump nodded in agreement.

"Twitter is unbiased! Very not biased! Everything I say is unfiltered and contains the truth as I understand it!"

"It also makes it harder for you to get angry when you watch TV right?" Somebody asks and Trump nodded in agreement again.